When I started being afraid of fire, did I start losing my own?
I’m not one to sit and contemplate. Things happen the way they’re supposed to, and especially considering what I’ve gone through (along with people I know—we all have a story, right?), I’m left as one who does not sit and contemplate. Life is rough, times are rough; deities have their own agendas and people who hold to their faith in those deities at least have something to hold on to. I guess it’s remarkable that people like that can have faith in something that they see is greater than them, but I see it as more naïveté. Maybe it’s a little enviable too, but I don’t have any reason to believe in deities because it’s always been me and a certain one or two others around me.
I know who those others are. At least, I used to. Now, I’m pretty sure my faith is being tested no matter which way I turn, and because of that, I’m doubting myself. Because of that, I think I’m losing whatever fire I have inside—and I’m pretty sure that’s metaphorical.
We had assassins attack our keep and Firenze (thank you for that, you punk) decided it would be a good time to have a heart to heart and tell me that he’s pretty sure my “fire” is not as strong as it was, and though I can sit here and mock a little, he has to be right to an extent. When did I start letting other people speak for me and make decisions for me and say what our next quest was going to be, and when did those people lose all common sense and instead decide to put this whole party in danger?
I’m looking at you, Dax.
Vashaya came back to our group a little while ago, and she was hurt pretty badly trying to complete her mission. This was about the same time that we’d secured our keep from fire giants and ended up finding a gateway to hell in the basement and had to banish that thing as well, and then Yoon started playing with creepy, chicken-blood symbols. We said we’d help Vashaya with her ultimate quest of getting rid of Seeth, who happens to be a vampire, who happens to be head of the Assassins Guild and surely no one knows any of these things are related because most people are smart enough not to look into things much farther than, “Orders from the Assassins Guild? Got it.” and that’s that.
This is where Dax gets the great idea to ask the steward of the town we’re in (yea, I can’t remember the name, oops) about assassins and Seeth and vampires and believe me when I say that if I were there, I would have stopped him before he finished the word assassins and instead just made himself look like an ass. But no, he comes back from “finding guards” for our Keep and shares this bit of news and suddenly, I’m back in square one. I’m trying to run away, even though technically, they’re not after me. They’re after Yoon (or Dax, since he’s so smart), but if she’s involved, I’m always involved.
She knows I owe her my life, but that’s not the reason I stay with her. I think she knows why, but she doesn’t understand? Maybe I’m not understanding anymore either, and this is where my character comes into question. What is loyalty and what am I fighting for? The answer is always Yoon, but she regrets leaving her cushy job as an assassin. I know she does and I know that’s when my trust issues come out (let’s all keep in mind that I’m an orphan and grew up a poor little thief), but I’d still do anything for her. I just don’t think she’d do the same for me.
Thus, Firenze’s rebellion.
He got over it, though. Or I guess, I got over it, but my resolve is not what it was. There are so many people suddenly involved with me that I feel the need to protect and also be wary and I don’t know (or don’t want to know, since Dax just jeopardized the entire group) if they would protect me and Yoon when it comes down to it. I’d like to think they would, but not for the reasons that are accepted as friendship.
At any rate, we survived our encounter and met Scratch and I’m pretty sure he’s worried, too. I’m not the spiritual sort, or I’d probably talk to Kels about all the worshiping she does. I’ve just always relied on myself unless someone needed me. Or something, cats and dogs included. Scratch felt the need to remind me that I took special care of a certain cat a long time ago—and it does feel like a long time ago. He says I’ve always had a heart of gold or something, but if that’s true, how do I find my way back to it?
Do I want to?
There’s a reason I don’t write long journal entries regularly. There’s so much musing in this one and I’ve given myself a headache.
I got a horse! He has a wild spirit like me, but that also makes it hard to earn his trust. I didn’t realize we were so much alike, but there it is.
Also, we found gold. I think I’ve already talked about that. It was a lot of gold and if I had less of a soul, I probably would have run away with it. (I didn’t. I won’t.)